I’m writing this while slurping down a half-frozen, bottled orange juice which, I admit, is not the most effective use of my time–multitasking is highly overrated. But I want to write about my fear-induced meltdown today while it remains fresh on my mind. This year, this month, this day, this minute is a time to overcome fear. It’s time to break the shell and spread those wings. Surprise yourself; do something that scares you, something you dream of doing. Today I cracked that shell and oh, it felt good.
Last month I tried out for the, “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown” (YAGMCB) musical and landed the part of Schroeder, the 9-year-old musical genius (hmm, my exact opposite). I knew nearly squat about Peanuts. Was I scared? You betcha’. My knees clattered all the way to try outs and my clammy fingers left sweat on the steering wheel, but I used that nervousness to give me energy. So for the first time, I sang out loud for someone else like I just didn’t care, and I was shocked that I was me.
As we rehearsed through January, I don’t recall ever singing my solos or other songs 100% correct, and I often sang off pitch. It was a nutty cycle. When I concentrated on singing I forgot my choreography or vice versa. By last night’s final rehearsal I felt 85% okay about my music and choreography, but my stomach began knotting up as I envisioned the worst possible scenarios for this morning’s performance.
At 9:00 a.m. we performed YAGMCB twice for an elementary school, and like a dream come true, I nailed my songs. I was amazing, a natural! I didn’t mess up a single time. Wild applause. No, actually I lied. I blew it big time on a solo and slightly messed up a couple other songs. But the big oops was fear induced. I panicked and forgot 4 crucial music lines, and then I panicked even more and my voice froze. Feeling foolish, I stood there in shock barely catching my senses in time to sing my last two lines.
When the song finished I gave myself a timeout in the corner to analyze what lead to my demise. I concluded the following:
1) I let fear of criticism overcome me.
2) I let doubt in my abilities weaken me.
3) I lost sight of my goals.
Do you notice a similarity? They’re all irrational behaviors linked to fear. How stupid of me to let criticism scare me. Seriously, Chris. Stupid. So they throw a rotten tomato at me, at least I’d have salsa for the chips back stage. Criticism has always fueled my fire to be awesome, and prove that I could rise above it. No matter who, no matter where, no matter what, there will always be critics and nay sayers. So what.
Number two? Yeah, that’s a biggie for me. Self confidence in an area that one feels week in can be a major leash, and for a moment there it totally had me around the neck. I finally jumped back on board when I remembered that I could not fail, or I’d let doubt win.
My three main goals in performing Schroeder were 1) have fun and entertain an audience, 2) overcome my fear of singing in front of a crowd, and 3) be the best Schroeder alive…there can be only one. And in the heat of the moment, all my goals cowered in the back seat while fear drove me to madness. Fear drives like a maniac, and doesn’t like suppression.
I had to own my fears or they would own me. Immediately afterwards, I quickly reviewed my songs offstage, and guess what? In the corner, in my comfort zone, I could remember my songs and choreography. Too bad that doesn’t count. After realizing how irrational my fears were, I committed to myself to be awesome.
Honestly–no lies here–in the second performance, I ROCKED. I remembered my lyrics and choreography. Sure, I might have sang off pitch a note here or there or missed an action, but I sang my best. And. It. Felt. Awesome. I walked off stage and saw fear cowered in the corner. And the best part? It only gets better from here.
Don’t let me have all the fun, folks. What fears do you want to conquer, and which ones have you conquered? How did you master your fear?
As a quick plug, visit www.sjtheatre.org. They always create spectacular performances. It’s time to be involved.
